Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Getting Through a Divorce

So many of my clients this week are in the process right now of dealing with a divorce.  Even when amicable, divorce is never easy.  I believe going through a divorce is like going through a death.  It's the death of a relationship and your family as you know it.  This is a painful thing which is why I always tell my clients to mourn the divorce like it is a death.  Give yourself the proper time to grieve.  Expect to go through the five stages of grief Elizabeth Kubler Ross identifies:

1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

I find most people get stuck on anger and depression which is sad because it makes us rack up more negative karma.  Twice this week I was told that my clients were going through their divorce because they'd fulfilled their karmic contract with their spouse.  Their guides recommended that they accept this, forgive themselves and their spouse and move forward.  Easier said than done, I know, but still very good advice.

If kids are involved, it's imperative that you try to remain amicable with your ex-spouse.  No matter the cost to you, your dignity or your sense of justice -- the kids come first.  Check out a great book that discusses this called The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce -- The 25 Year Landmark Study by Wallerstein, Lewis and Blakeslee and What About the Kids? Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce by the same authors.

Divorce can present us with an opportunity for some important life lessons -- forgiveness, independence and courage are just a few examples.

Our loved ones on the other side do witness our relationship troubles.  They see the pain we're going through and feel for us even though they know the panoramic view of the situation.  For example, they might know that in two years you're going to be happily in love with a new person or that in six months the court dates will finally be over.  They might also know that this is a karmic debt you're balancing with this spouse.  Sometimes, the divorce isn't part of our life path, and they know that we're creating new karma that will have to be dealt with later. Still, they know how hard it is to go through a divorce -- no matter what the reason is.   However, God gives us all free will -- even our loved ones on the other side -- so if you want their help, you have to ask.  Give your grandmother, your aunt, your dad (whoever is over there for you that you love and trust) permission to help you.

And lastly, be gentle with yourself.  As I said earlier, divorce is never easy.  I'm a big fan of talking with a therapist as you go through this life changing situation.  I think kids, too, can benefit from this.  I know prayer works.  Talk to God, talk to your angels and guides and loved ones.  Pray for help, courage and strength. And know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can and will get through this, and you'll be a stronger person as a result.

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