Dealing with Grief

I'm not an expert on grief by any means, but I see enough grief being experienced by my clients and of course I've had my own share of grief. I lost a loved one more than 13 years ago, and I thought I was dealing with the sadness and loss very well (i.e stuff it down and don't think about it). But then a video surfaced and seeing him and hearing his voice again brought back all the pain, sorrow and profound loss. This has shocked me, but it's a good reminder for a medium who sees grief all the time.

Grief never ends. We just learn ways to get through it. When a tragedy strikes, I often hear people say, "I don't know how she gets up in the morning" Or "How will he get over this?" And I always answer with: "He won't. He'll learn to get through it." There's a big difference. You never get over a loss.

Some things that have helped me deal with my grief are to memorialize my loved ones through stories, planting a special tree, getting a tattoo, and keeping pictures around. I also talk to them -- a lot. And I ask for signs in return. It's very helpful. None of this cures the grief or ends it. But it does help me get through it -- day by day by day.

If you know someone going through a difficult loss, don't be afraid to ask them about it. Check out my good friend Deb Bowen's book A Good Friend for Bad Times. Here's the link. No matter how much time has passed, remember to ask your grandmother about her husband. Make sure you write your aunt on your deceased cousin's birthday. Even if it's been twenty years, ask your dad to tell you stories about his dad. Grief never ends; it endures as long as the time it takes until we see them again. But as a very wise woman once said to me, "The only way to get through grief is to talk. Have a witness to your pain."

I also think it helps to know that even though we can't see them, hear them or touch them, they are here. Right here. Reading this right along with you.

Full Circle

Today I had two very difficult readings. One involved a man who recently lost his son, and the other was a son who'd recently lost his father. I notice that my readings follow patterns like this all the time. One week, all my readings involved victims of sexual abuse. Another week, all my clients were going through a divorce. One time, I had a day with clients who were all in recovery. I'm not sure why this happens, but I think it's another reason why "coincidences" are so important. If we just follow the signs that coincidences leave us, we'll find our way every time.

But the readings I did today reminded me that life can be hard and unfair. Why should a father have to lose his young son? Why should a teenager have to go through life without the guidance of his father? I wish I knew. All I can do as the medium is provide validation that these men are on the other side, happy and still able to see what's going on. There are no simple answers, no clear path to happiness. I think all we can do is hold on to the hope that we will see our loved ones again and surrender to the mystery that is this life we all have to lead.

In high school, one of my favorite teachers was the kindest, oldest nun I'd ever known. Her name was Sister Elaine and she taught Trigonometry. Math has never been my friend, and so that semester I haunted Sister Elaine after school. "I don't even know what sin, cos, tan mean, sister. How am I going to pass this test?" She'd sigh wearily and explain it to me again. I remember one day, she patted my back and said, "Just ask your guardian angel for help." Finally, after one particularly frustrating afternoon, she turned to me and said, "Samantha, stop asking why. Sometimes we just have to follow the formula." That remains the best advice I've ever received.

I don't know why my clients today have to endure the grief they're living with every day, but I do believe, sincerely trust, that one day all will be revealed to us. Until then, all we can do is follow the formula of our life which, for me anyway, is FAITH + TRUST + SURRENDER = PEACE.